I am no poster child for addiction, and I have found a great sense of relief in reading these accounts of recovery that mirror some of my own experiences. The loudest voices in addiction memoirs and pop-culture usually follow a similar path; abusive childhood, terrible addiction, 12-step recovery, and permanent sobriety from all drugs and alcohol. If at the end of the road, a person has developed a way to cope with life and be happy without their substances, then kudos to whatever method they use; however, my own experience as a recovered addict follows almost none of this parable.
When my addiction started, I don’t know exactly, but there was a definite time (during an acid trip, actually), when I started to be honest about myself about my drug use. I remember looking around my apartment, which reeked of stale cigarettes, and being overwhelmed with its total filth; trash everywhere, dirty needles, neglected textbooks. No spoon was left un-bent, and no little baggie left un-scoured. What made this experience more visceral was my companions. Nate, my boyfriend of 2 years, and Joey, our roommate, were also tripping and also hopelessly addicted to heroin. It is one thing to be stuck in your head realizing you have a problem, but it is quite another to have two other people validating the truth. We started to talk about it, and then all cried for what felt like hours. I couldn’t wait for it to be over, and the next morning we were all red-eyed, dazed, and sober (the serious sober, not the drug-free one, obviously). While this had very little effect on my drug use at the time, it is a memory that returns to me frequently.
Much of that time was a whirlwind. My casual drug use started in college, at a small liberal arts school in Virginia. I gravitated towards the stoners, smoked pot constantly, and drank indiscriminately. My dealer at the time, a lanky 21 year old kid that made sandwiches at the school cafeteria, began to offer new drugs to me and my friends. I had started dating Nate and we were both of the curious mind. He worshiped Hunter S. Thompson and William Burroughs. I thought I was free-spirit hippie chick, and we loved the idea of some carefree, exploratory drug use. The downward spiral starts.
Pain pills were available, and we took them every chance we got. Fortunately for us, our dealer, Dave, was also becoming addicted to them in tandem with us, so he worked hard to get them and sold them to afford his own habit. Heroin is cheaper, and readily available in the Richmond and DC metro areas, so that was a no-brainer a couple months later when Percocet and Oxy no longer did the trick. Of course, shooting it wasn’t far away. I am none too squeamish, and so when I saw Dave’s girlfriend do it I jumped on the idea. It was economical and effective.
So fast forward through about a year and a half of this. Even after the aforementioned acid trip, we did not know how to change our lives, which were so tremendously fucked up. I was intertwined with friends and a boyfriend who all did heroin, so leaving the life felt impossible. I was arrested for possession and opted for treatment in a drug court. It was punitive and offered little support besides mandated AA meetings and poorly-run group therapy. I was stuck in Virginia, unhappy, isolated, and didn’t feel like my life was better while sober. I relapsed a few times, and eventually was arrested again for another possession charge.
The nine months in jail was awful, but fortunately I was able to move home afterwards. It was a new start, and absolutely integral to my successful recovery. I started to attend NA, but found the meetings tedious. I tried several groups, but it never clicked with me. I felt that describing myself as an addict every day was limiting and a reminder of painful memories. I felt that the groups, especially for those who are introverted, were extremely intimidating.
So here I am, three years after having been released from jail, obtaining my Master of Social Work and really enjoying life. I will say, I feel like a different person, even from who I was before my addiction started. It revealed to me some weaknesses that I had and forced me to confront them. I am proud of myself for kicking the addiction’s ass and do not like to identify myself as ‘in recovery.’
This is where I feel uncomfortable talking about my journey from a person who used drugs every day to who I am now. A few truths; I still drink, and I still smoke pot. This works for me. I do not share this with people when talking about being an addict, and I do not share my addict past with people if I am drinking or smoking with them. This makes both groups uncomfortable, because in many minds, they are not compatible. I too struggle with the idea of being an ex-addict and doing these things. Where is the line? This is why addiction is so interesting. Because to me, I am not different than my friends who I hang out with. I am responsible, stay away from legal trouble, get straight A’s in grad school, and do my part-time job very well.
I also run into problems and inconsistencies in the pursuit of my MSW. I have a “recovering addict” story, and the real story. For example, I had to interview for a field placement through school (essentially working as a social worker for two days a week). I applied to addiction treatment centers and hospitals. So what do I say to these folks when they ask me about my record? I have to explain my charges with the story of how it happened, and eventually they want some reassurance that I won’t be an unreliable drug addict. Expectations that I feel are set by many addictions workers lead me to use the buzzwords and jargon that I know they want to hear. “In recovery”, “4 years clean and sober”, “12-step meetings”, “work a program.” If I told them, “Look, I was in a bad cycle of addiction, but the reality check of jail and a relocation worked great for me. I don’t think of myself as an addict anymore and I drink in moderation. I don’t personally like 12-step.” Yeah right. That would lead to some serious skepticism about the truth of my answer (which incidentally IS the truth). The fable about being ‘in recovery’ elicits the reaction I would want from a prospective employer.
I don’t write this to try and brag, or shit on the 12-step program, or be self-indulgent. I just would like there to be more voices out there that have atypical journeys out of addiction. Those who can fathom moderation as a possibility. People that don’t lecture on the dangers of “once an addict, always an addict.” I think the one size fits all treatment style is ridiculous, and I hope to be an effective and innovative counselor in my career as a social worker. I know there are people like me out there, and I want to hear about it.
Informed by unparalleled neuroscientific insight and written with his usual flare, Marc Lewis’s The Biology of Desire effectively refutes the medical view of addiction as a brain disease. A bracing and informative corrective to the muddle that now characterizes public and professional discourse on this topic.” —Gabor Maté, M.D., author of In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters With Addiction
12 step programs are just that, a good start to working on your recovery, a program that gave me the tools to start. But for me came up short in my understanding of addiction, I to am hit with defiant’s when it comes to social drinking after being a full blown alcoholic. Although it has taken many years of understanding and unloading of many underline issues that kept me under the influence, today I am able to drink on occasion. This once an alcoholic always an alcoholic is old school understanding, but in saying so if that’s what some people need to never pick up a drink again and it works for them who am I to brake their bubble. It was only a couple of times at AA that I think I done more harm then help, for if it works for someone else, let it be, But when someone gets in my face and say’s something like you have to go to 90 meetings in 90 days, then at least 4 or 5 times a week like I do. That just pisses me off and this one guy was telling me this and I turned and unloaded on him by saying, If you need these meetings this much then their must be some other underlines issues like I can see in you about depression, if you got to the doctors and get some med’s for your depression you would only have to go to one meeting a week and get a life. Today I use in moderation of past addictions, I do not use intravenous anymore and have been clean from that for 15 years, pot although I was addicted for 8 years of daily consumption of 6 to 8 joints a day, today I get to stoned and enjoy my daily life without any out side influence. It’s like my brain was so fogged op for so many years that today it’s like a sponge starving for water, I have become addicted to knowledge, and helping other’s, that’s what brings me the greatest joy today.
To the author of this memoir: It is such a the privilege to read what you have written. At first it is a story about the addict and the addiction… but then, as I read, I can see the person instead of the drugs, the past horrors, or even the imagined future pitfalls. This is such an important issue. I think the identity of being an addict can be left in the past. I want to hear more, too. Thank you for your writing.
A big thank you to the writer of this memoir. It jogged a lot of memories for me about my own experiences.
Very early in my “recovery” I could see that I wasn’t going to fit the mould. I wanted to stop using drugs, and couldn’t seem to do that on my own. I asked for help and found myself in a 28 day programme as an outpatient. In anticipation of my rehab I got clean, on my own, a few weeks before I was to go. That, perhaps, was my first clue.
It was a fascinating experience, but I definitely encountered some very defended and somewhat thoughtless versions of what an addict is supposed to be and how they are to behave, particularly while in recovery. Counsellors at rehab would try and tell me what I would have done as a drug addict and would make suggestions for new behaviour that felt so wrong I refused to do it, which would result in dire predictions of relapse and demerit points. Old timers at AA told me many times I shouldn’t be at their meetings if I wasn’t alcoholic but only addicted to drugs, so I learned to lie in order to attend meetings without a dressing down for being there.
Eventually, for me, I decided that continual self-identification as an addict was not healthy, so finished up my aftercare politely, dropped the meetings, and went on with my life. All the predictions that I would come to ruin if I did not tightly adhere to the programme of recovery as it was mapped did not come to pass, and twenty years later, I am still alright. Better than alright. Thriving.
The point of this is that like the author of this memoir, I too have a different version of my drug use and recovery depending on to whom I am speaking. I also do not want to shit on the 12 step or Hazledean recovery models either – they are very effective. My trajectory through addiction and recovery is also atypical but not pathological as many would suggest, always teetering on the brink of relapse because I enjoyed a glass of wine with my family at dinner last night.
I just appreciated hearing this story because secretly inside I had decided that I couldn’t have been a very good addict after all based on my experience. Nice to know there are some other “not very good addicts” out there as well.
Thank you for the post. The follow ups are good too.
I WAS an opiate addict…WAS. I was forced into a 12 Step Medical Model treatment program to keep my job even though I quit my opiate use on my own.
If a person does not believe that the medical model is correct then a 12 step medical model program is …well…Hell ,to say the least.
Addiction is clearly not a disease and we can grow out of addiction.
To label yourself an addict for life is usually a self fulfilling prophecy as is the idea that you must attend “meetings” for life and work the program or you will relapse.
The ideation that you are powerless is absolutely false and will make most eventually relapse as well….after all ,I have a disease and I am powerless.
The idea that if you do relapse you’ll go completely banana’ s and binge like mad and end up worse then before is also a self fulfilling prophecy.
This cross addiction BS is just that…BS. Just because I had an addiction to opiates doesn’t mean I cannot drink in moderation. Addiction is all about self medicating yourself to cope with life and emotions. Yes, neuro pathways are formed around the addiction but it’s still self medicating and as Marc has said before, you start to self medicate the pain and hell that the addiction causes too….it’s a downward and complex cycle. If you use another substance to do this then yes you will become addicted …if you have grown out of your need to cope or escape with drug use then no you won’t substitute another substance in an addictive cycle. Besides, I don’t like getting hammered…it sucks. So, I do drink in moderation and have ZERO issues wit it.
I recommend secular recovery groups. They teach self empowering, finding your own way out of addiction ,and there is no need for a “higher power”…the power to stop is within us all. Also, as a Christian I find the 12 step meetings very offensive to my belief structure as “anything” can be ones “higher power”.
I will not go to the 12 step religious cult meetings PEROID!
I also will not ever use opiates again as the consequences of use FAR out weigh the “fun” or perceived benefits. I have other ways to have fun and to cope.
Great response, Eric. Of course I agree with you about the silliness of accusations concerning one’s supposed cross-addictions. I have had people send Amazon really bad reviews of my book, simply because I mention in the last chapter that I enjoyed having martinis with my present wife. For the puritans, this in itself was evidence that I had never recovered, so my story must by bullshit.
For some, the loss of clarity that comes with booze (and that can certainly be fun) is a good enough reason not to drink — it makes it too easy to go back on one’s commitments. But for many of us, this may simply not be a problem.
I have not use for 12 step programs or labels, however, I have seen how some thrive on both. I have found at this point in my sorted journey that I have to be whole and thriving in order to drink. If I drink when I am in a bad place (which means I am focused on others opinions or my past) it is a shit show. It doesn’t help that I am surrounded by “recovering sober addicts” and siblings that choose not to let my past die. I hope to fully move beyond that some day but I may have to accept that the trauma of my past will never fully be gone as I wish it would. My goal it to push for alternative treatment models that can help one to live fully without limitations and labels. Eric, you mentioned secular recovery groups…..can you tell me more about them, what they are and how to get in touch with them? Marc, your book is valued and appreciated on so many levels, by me.
Hi Cheryl. I missed this last May. I don’t know if you’ll get a notification that I replied today…
The situation you describe sounds unnecessarily difficult and distressing. If people can’t respect you for who you are now, you should try to avoid them as much as possible. Trauma is something to resolve, not something that needs to snap at your heels throughout your life.
As for secular recovery groups. SMART recovery is the big one. William Abbott, who often contributes to our blog, is very involved in that. And they have a terrific website. There is also Rational Recovery, and quite a few smaller ones. Good luck finding a group that feels like home to you!
Hi Marc,
Just discovered your website and book. Should receive my copy tomorrow. I’ve never accepted the disease model myself. Look forward to reading it.
I know this post is 2 years too late and you may never read it, but I’ve been sober for only 7 months, but am actively devouring information lately on this subject.
You mentioned to Cheryl regarding Rational Recovery as a group recovery method, which it is not any longer. Jack Trimby, the founder , realized or didn’t feel they were helpful and they are no longer available and haven’t been for quite some time. His method is purely self-help and initiation. Very simple, maybe too, but it makes sense to me and his bluntness may offend some but I appreciate it.
I quit alcohol on my own and his writing spurred my further interest in the non-disease concept. That along with much recent and further research only strengthens and clarifies my psycho-resolve that the non-disease model is absolute truth. I may be stretching, but the more I read the more convinced I become, and the disease concept just, well, makes me giggle.
I have yet to consider whether an occasional drink is alright for me, and me only. Too many past consequences to ponder, wondering if I’m just one of those that shouldn’t; if I’ve lost my privilege. I consider myself recovered and not recovering. I have no urge to drink.
I giggle at myself for ever having nearly fell for the disease idea. Can’t wait to read your book.
Best regards and Cheers!
I am chuckling to myself ad I read this because I know exactly what you mean. After being hooked on Percs and other pain pills for years and dumping just about everything in between into my guts I finally gave up the habit. I won’t lie, I still like to have a couple if drinks 2 or 3 times a month but only with friends and only if I’m going out to have a fun outing. I too struggle with the concept of recovering addict after being off all drugs except alcohol for a little over a year.
I went to 12 steps but being around do many people carping about their impulses tended to drive me right back towards the pills. I like to believe that people do get better and our mistakes are not set in stone and we can live as we wish as long as we know ourselves. Glad to know I’m not alone in how I feel 🙂
I think we need a banner or maybe a theme song for those of us who still drink (socially and moderately) but are OFF drugs. Not only is there nothing wrong with us, but there’s something very right with us. We shall not be moved.
Hi Marc and all who contributed to this thread.
So refreshing to hear that there is life after hard times.
I have been sober now for 7 months (alcohol consumption got out of hand after two deaths of close relatives, depression and a long term relationship ending), at first I detoxed at my mothers and then went to a centre daily in London where my blood pressure etc was monitored and I was given an anti craving tablet and also I think amitriptoline to help me through the early stages.
I attended AA meetings and found them helpful although I felt some people would be more confident in speaking up, made me more anxious as I got to know people there, I felt a failure when not sharing.
I got a sponsor, who I chose, because I felt she was really good at speaking and getting points across………..she was VERY into AA and started to suggest I should go to lots more meetings and socialise with other members, which I was reluctant to do. We became friends of a sort, but it got harder….as I felt she was disappointed in my progress, when I was very chuffed with myself and so were my family and friends. When I started full time work she abandoned me as she was unable to see me at weekends. I haven’t heard from her since November. I just text her today.
In retrospect I think she was far too busy to sponsor me (she had 2 jobs, one of which involved a lot of travel) and was also sponsoring a couple of other people.
I haven’t been to a meeting since before Christmas but I feel fine. I must admit I miss having the occasional social drink and probably will do in the future.
We are human………….we should learn from our mistakes……….and live life.
Having said all that I would just say one size doesn’t fit all……and I would agree with the writer who says if people keep bringing up your past be wary of them or get them out of your life. There could be some jealousy there.
I’ve ordered your book today from Amazon and look forward to reading it.
I find this post to be incredibly inspiring; particularly to someone who is currently 25, between jobs, and hooked on a methadone script. Though I rarely slip up and revert to intravenous heroin and meth-amphetamine use it is just so respelendently awesome to hear that there is a future beyond AA and NA. I once decided to give NA a real ‘shot’ as it were and the actions of a sponsor with a warped messianic complex and matilda complex left me in a psychiatric ward; more damaged by the program than the drugs I was ingesting….
As for cross addiction; I don’t believe in it other than being just another attempt to fill a void once one has been absolutely abliet temporarily blocked off by will-power. I for instance did drink alcohol and pop benzodiazepines habitually when I was not shooting heroin for about half a year but I put this down to my inability or rather lack of opportunity to address the underlying issues which were compelling me to be intoxicated all the time.
At the present; I look back an abysmal past of underachievement and trying every method in the book; from cold turkeys to so called magic cures like Ibogaine. Sadly enough. None have worked; no doubt it is the underlying psychiatric and psychological issues which compelled me to use drugs addictively over the last decade which are to blame and true to this I am uncovering more and more of these on a daily basis.
An excellent non AA/NA approach to look at cross addiction and relapse in ‘early recovery’ is the fact that your PAWS or post acute withdrawals are simply not over yet. Particularly when it comes to opiates and tranquilisers (benzodiazepines) the brain changes inflicted by their chronic use take years to reverse….years during which former dependant is left feeling like shit.
Thanks Marc, I have read your book and whilst I hardly see being semi stable on methadone to be worthy of any accolades…it kept me sane during some dark days.
Chris